what have we done

peter and i made it to texas last night around 11. we are safe and sound so my mom can now stop worrying. we stopped at taco cabana in greenville (the first one we saw). 12 1/2 hours in a car can be kind of long. especially the 2-3 hours it takes to get from taxarkana to denton/dallas. one of two things can happen. you can either have a strong desire to jump out of the car no matter what speed you are travling at, or, you can talk to your spouse (or car riding associate). peter and i decided to talk.
we talked alot about high school and youth group and five iron frenzy. something happened in this conversation. something starting stirring in me. something that has been wanting to happen, but i have put off for quite a while. God began tugging and pulling and pushing. its strange however, i'm not being pushed to a certain place. i'm just being pushed to investigate... find out what i am supposed to do. peter asked me a question, "what makes you mad?" my response kind of surprised me, because i actually got mad. once i started, i couldn't stop. i just let it go. i got it out. for once, i admitted that due to the mistakes of others (and myself), i have given up on my pursuit of the will of God. in short, growing a woman in baptist church who had been told repeatedly that God had "big plans" just to be told that i would "be a pastor's wife." while that is a great endevor, and very admirable (my sister in law in a pastor's wife, and she is an incredible woman whom i admire and love immensely), i felt that God had something else in store for me, just for it to twarted, in my mind at least. i gave up. i decided that if my work for God was depenedent on what my husband would do... why try?
i know this is quite long, but i thought i would breifly list my gripes with the church (at least the american version):
1) Christian catch phrases (ie. foind life with God, being a Jesus follower, etc)2) the chosen ignorance of church members. we, in the church, have decided to ignore that idea that there may actually defects with in the body of Christ. we have chosen to ignore things like mental illness. we have decided that there is no such thing as depression or bi polar disorder or others (that i can't spell). 3) we talk a good game about helping our communities, but we refuse to actually help unless there is a camera or some sort of recognition. 4) we have no sense of socail justice. we rally around the idea of abolishing abortion, but demand the heads and lives of criminals.
these of course are just a few. i am being pushed, pulled, tugged. these things must change and i must be a catalyst in this chaange, but i don't know how.
i pray that it is not too late. i pray that we, christians, have not completely destroyed that reputation of Christ. i pray and beg that we can change this