2008 is on its way out, so here is my cliche' blog summing up the 12 months that have just passed...
i started the end of 2007 with a new job and welcomed 2008 in that same place.
we had a some losses, Ray Morales and Lewis Matteson. Both were greatly loved and have been and will be missed almost as much. we had a couple additions as well. Madison and Jones (my new niece and nephew) were introduced to the world late in 2008.
in 2008 we saw and felt change. our country hit economic bottom (or close to it), we lost an inexcusable amount of troops, jobs were lost, and i am not sure that the world will be the same. we have a new president. i, like the majority of voting americans, rejoiced. the media gained a new phrase "post-racial politics" (i think this is an inaccurate statement considering that we are calling something post racial. i think it will only be "post racial" when we don't notice.. which won't happen).
planets were subtracted from our solar system..
ted kennedy died.
the titans actually played a pretty good season
vanderbilt made it to a bowl game (and MIGHT win)
one of my best friends moved away...
i don't have any resolutions. i am not able to resolve anything at this point in time and may not be able to do so for awhile. i will try. i will try to show love more, i will try to learn things that i don't already know, i will try to confirm things that i think may be true, i will try to be a better friends, daughter, employee and wife.
i will try to be better and i hope we all will try to do the same.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
rambling
peter has been out of town this week. normally this would mean a lack of sleep. i am usually jumpy. i am a typical girl when it comes to stuff like this. every noise would make me jump and wake upand fight to go back to sleep. fortunately, i slept quite well this week.
i stayed with my mom last night. we went to dinner,did a little shopping and hung out at her house. i have to admit, it was little strange. i've always heard people say, that once they left home, it didn't feel the same. i have never felt that way, until last night. I mean, I was comfortable, nothing really happened. I just felt more like a guest, it wasn't my house anymore. Part of that is because I have my own house. Maybe thats just part of growing up.
I am 24 years old. I should be grown up by now, but I haven't ever felt like I have changed that much since high school. I have always been my mom's baby. I have been treated like it too, but I think at some point we all realize that we can't be that baby anymore.
Maybe that has been my problem. I think I have always thought that things would just magically work out or that there would always be someone there to bail me out. I am more and more starting to realize that I am wrong. There will come a point in time where I will fall on my face and there won't be anyone there to pick me up. I am going to have to do things for myself and I think that time is now. I think financially, mentally, spiritually I have got to start doing things on my own. I need to remember that I am a grown up now and I need to start acting like it. There won't always be people there to help and I can't rely on them even if they can.
i stayed with my mom last night. we went to dinner,did a little shopping and hung out at her house. i have to admit, it was little strange. i've always heard people say, that once they left home, it didn't feel the same. i have never felt that way, until last night. I mean, I was comfortable, nothing really happened. I just felt more like a guest, it wasn't my house anymore. Part of that is because I have my own house. Maybe thats just part of growing up.
I am 24 years old. I should be grown up by now, but I haven't ever felt like I have changed that much since high school. I have always been my mom's baby. I have been treated like it too, but I think at some point we all realize that we can't be that baby anymore.
Maybe that has been my problem. I think I have always thought that things would just magically work out or that there would always be someone there to bail me out. I am more and more starting to realize that I am wrong. There will come a point in time where I will fall on my face and there won't be anyone there to pick me up. I am going to have to do things for myself and I think that time is now. I think financially, mentally, spiritually I have got to start doing things on my own. I need to remember that I am a grown up now and I need to start acting like it. There won't always be people there to help and I can't rely on them even if they can.
Friday, November 28, 2008
thanksgiving
i posted my previous blog on myspace. i got a few comments from people who i respect very much. i have to say i felt quite encouraged.
i also feel that i must confess that i still feel uneasy. what if what i am supposed to do is uncomfortable. what if i have to quit my job, move away from my family, or just generall be uncomfortable. it's a little scary. i have an inkling that my calling is not be an uber popular novelist. i am very sure my calling is not to be a tele-evangelist (i dont really think anyone is called to be one of those). i am still somewhat unsure what my calling is, but i know i have one. i also know that i am being called by someone much greater than i. i know that if i take heart and listen and following this calling, all discomfort will be more bearable. i am sure that it will not go away, but i am sure that it will be bearable.
that is something funny about God. we were never promised a lack of struggle or pain or opposition, we were just promised help and peace. a peace that i am not sure i will ever be able to understanding. i know just a few things; i know that my God is much bigger than i am (mentally, emotionally), i know that my God is love, and i know that the plans laid out for me are to prosper and not to harm.
i know that i will be ok. although, at times, we struggle to pay the mortgage or buy nice groceries. i know we will be ok. we have been blessed with family and friends. we have been blessed far above anything we will ever know.
we live frusterating lives as humans. it is a very cumbersome task finding satisfaction. it is contstant struggle trying so hard, fighting so hard. i guess all we can do is try to make the best of it and pray to God that we can make it better for someone else a long the way.
i also feel that i must confess that i still feel uneasy. what if what i am supposed to do is uncomfortable. what if i have to quit my job, move away from my family, or just generall be uncomfortable. it's a little scary. i have an inkling that my calling is not be an uber popular novelist. i am very sure my calling is not to be a tele-evangelist (i dont really think anyone is called to be one of those). i am still somewhat unsure what my calling is, but i know i have one. i also know that i am being called by someone much greater than i. i know that if i take heart and listen and following this calling, all discomfort will be more bearable. i am sure that it will not go away, but i am sure that it will be bearable.
that is something funny about God. we were never promised a lack of struggle or pain or opposition, we were just promised help and peace. a peace that i am not sure i will ever be able to understanding. i know just a few things; i know that my God is much bigger than i am (mentally, emotionally), i know that my God is love, and i know that the plans laid out for me are to prosper and not to harm.
i know that i will be ok. although, at times, we struggle to pay the mortgage or buy nice groceries. i know we will be ok. we have been blessed with family and friends. we have been blessed far above anything we will ever know.
we live frusterating lives as humans. it is a very cumbersome task finding satisfaction. it is contstant struggle trying so hard, fighting so hard. i guess all we can do is try to make the best of it and pray to God that we can make it better for someone else a long the way.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
what have we done
peter and i made it to texas last night around 11. we are safe and sound so my mom can now stop worrying. we stopped at taco cabana in greenville (the first one we saw). 12 1/2 hours in a car can be kind of long. especially the 2-3 hours it takes to get from taxarkana to denton/dallas. one of two things can happen. you can either have a strong desire to jump out of the car no matter what speed you are travling at, or, you can talk to your spouse (or car riding associate). peter and i decided to talk.
we talked alot about high school and youth group and five iron frenzy. something happened in this conversation. something starting stirring in me. something that has been wanting to happen, but i have put off for quite a while. God began tugging and pulling and pushing. its strange however, i'm not being pushed to a certain place. i'm just being pushed to investigate... find out what i am supposed to do. peter asked me a question, "what makes you mad?" my response kind of surprised me, because i actually got mad. once i started, i couldn't stop. i just let it go. i got it out. for once, i admitted that due to the mistakes of others (and myself), i have given up on my pursuit of the will of God. in short, growing a woman in baptist church who had been told repeatedly that God had "big plans" just to be told that i would "be a pastor's wife." while that is a great endevor, and very admirable (my sister in law in a pastor's wife, and she is an incredible woman whom i admire and love immensely), i felt that God had something else in store for me, just for it to twarted, in my mind at least. i gave up. i decided that if my work for God was depenedent on what my husband would do... why try?
i know this is quite long, but i thought i would breifly list my gripes with the church (at least the american version):
1) Christian catch phrases (ie. foind life with God, being a Jesus follower, etc)2) the chosen ignorance of church members. we, in the church, have decided to ignore that idea that there may actually defects with in the body of Christ. we have chosen to ignore things like mental illness. we have decided that there is no such thing as depression or bi polar disorder or others (that i can't spell). 3) we talk a good game about helping our communities, but we refuse to actually help unless there is a camera or some sort of recognition. 4) we have no sense of socail justice. we rally around the idea of abolishing abortion, but demand the heads and lives of criminals.
these of course are just a few. i am being pushed, pulled, tugged. these things must change and i must be a catalyst in this chaange, but i don't know how.
i pray that it is not too late. i pray that we, christians, have not completely destroyed that reputation of Christ. i pray and beg that we can change this
we talked alot about high school and youth group and five iron frenzy. something happened in this conversation. something starting stirring in me. something that has been wanting to happen, but i have put off for quite a while. God began tugging and pulling and pushing. its strange however, i'm not being pushed to a certain place. i'm just being pushed to investigate... find out what i am supposed to do. peter asked me a question, "what makes you mad?" my response kind of surprised me, because i actually got mad. once i started, i couldn't stop. i just let it go. i got it out. for once, i admitted that due to the mistakes of others (and myself), i have given up on my pursuit of the will of God. in short, growing a woman in baptist church who had been told repeatedly that God had "big plans" just to be told that i would "be a pastor's wife." while that is a great endevor, and very admirable (my sister in law in a pastor's wife, and she is an incredible woman whom i admire and love immensely), i felt that God had something else in store for me, just for it to twarted, in my mind at least. i gave up. i decided that if my work for God was depenedent on what my husband would do... why try?
i know this is quite long, but i thought i would breifly list my gripes with the church (at least the american version):
1) Christian catch phrases (ie. foind life with God, being a Jesus follower, etc)2) the chosen ignorance of church members. we, in the church, have decided to ignore that idea that there may actually defects with in the body of Christ. we have chosen to ignore things like mental illness. we have decided that there is no such thing as depression or bi polar disorder or others (that i can't spell). 3) we talk a good game about helping our communities, but we refuse to actually help unless there is a camera or some sort of recognition. 4) we have no sense of socail justice. we rally around the idea of abolishing abortion, but demand the heads and lives of criminals.
these of course are just a few. i am being pushed, pulled, tugged. these things must change and i must be a catalyst in this chaange, but i don't know how.
i pray that it is not too late. i pray that we, christians, have not completely destroyed that reputation of Christ. i pray and beg that we can change this
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