Accountability

on sunday, i told my family group that the next step toward my Goddream is to start writing more consistently... as you may have noticed, it has been quite some time since i updated this thing... i will try harder to update you all on my thoughts and what is going on with me.  there's not an awful lot to post at the moment, but i can say that i am discovering more and more how intricately God created me, even the parts of me that i don't really like very much! i am learning to trust God more and put my faith into practice daily, even if it is just by biting my tongue or making myself find rest in Him during difficult times. 

if you are reading this,  i want to encourage you to take a risk every day, even if that risk is simply ( or not so simply for me) deciding to relinquish control or speaking a kind word... i think many of us live truly boring lives because we are afraid that the risk we take won't be big enough...

thanks for reading

i'm not totally sure what to post about tonight, i've written about four paragraphs in the past few moments and have deleted them all; i don't know how to craft the words that are bubbling up in my heart and mind. i don't know how to openly mourn the attacks our country is undergoing because of an attack on a culture- whether or not we as a nation were responsible. i'm not sure how to say that, even though i did not make the video that caused an uprising around the world, i am a representative of the same God and Savior that those who did claim to know and worship. you see, i am not only mourning the death of soldiers and an ambassador, i am mourning yet another mar on the name of Christ that WE who claim to be christians have caused.

i am disgusted.

as i write this now, i am weeping. i am weeping because we, the followers of the Most High God have allowed the LOVE and GRACE of God to be forgotten. we wear the cross on which our Savior bled and died as a badge that, we think, gives us the right to trample everyone else who does not wear it, or does not wear it the way that we think they should. this is our history though, as the royal priesthood. the sons of Eli did it, christians did it during the crusades and we are doing it now.

we have forgotten the love of Christ. we have forgotten the commandments. we have forgotten this...

"⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
¹³ This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
¹⁹ We love because he first loved us. ²⁰ Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. ²¹ And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (1 John 4:7-21)"

i'm sorry for the tone of this post and that i cannot be more uplifting. 

if by some chance you are reading this and you do not know the God i worship, or you are someone who says "I love God, but I hate his wife (the church)", let me say this, i am sorry. 

the God i serve does not mock, the God i worship loves unconditionally. 

if you are reading this and you part of the Bride of Christ, let me encourage you in this... we are all motivated by love, either of God or ourselves; let the wonder of the cross fill you with His love so that it can be poured to all around you. focus on the Most High God above all else and let His love infect your heart so that you will have no other choice, but love as He does. 

saw this and had to share...

smelly, fluffy farm animals

Therefore Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.- John 10:7-10

i think we give sheep a bad rap... because we are humans, we seem to think that we, of course, are far smarter than a farm animal- i mean, we created the iphone and democracy for goodness' sake! but are we really? are we wiser than a sheep? if you read verses 1-6 you might understand what i am saying a bit more "but they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” they do not recognize a stranger's voice.


  i am little ADD, it is extremely difficult for me to sit in a restaurant (or any other place for that matter) and give my full attention to the people i am dining with if other conversations are happening... it is hard for me to focus for extended periods of time- it is hard for me to listen to the voices that are familiar. i was reminded this week that there is a bigger problem... it is not just the voices in a restaurant that distract me- i am listening to a voice far stranger. 

my friends and i talk a lot about being lied to and how to fight the lies. it is my husband's mission statement. it is our marriage mission statement: 'to find and destroy the lies that cause people to worship themselves so that they can know God and His intent for them'. (i promise the sheep thing will make sense soon, if it doesn't already..) 

i know this post seems a bit disjointed, but i promise there is a point. bear with me here. i want to talk about sheep again....

when i was in high school, a close friend of mine presented a sermon about farm animals; i think the title was 'are you a sheep or cow'. we all laughed, of course. it stuck with me; it is still with me 10 years later. did you know that a sheep can hear and recognize their shepherd's voice among many others and will run to him? if you, as a shepherd, were to stand behind one of your sheep and yell, that the sheep would immediately run to get behind you. this makes the parable in John 10 make so much more sense... the sheep know their shepherd's voice. they will never follow a stranger...because they do not recognize a stranger's voice

i want to be more like a sheep- not just figuratively. i am desperate for this, for the Bride of Christ to know no other voice than of her Love- the One who laid His life down for her. i want to be so focused and in-tune with my Savior so that i cannot be lied to- you can't be lied to if you don't listen to the voice of a stranger. 

if you are reading this, i want to encourage you to find His voice in the crowd. when you hear it, run to Him. i know there will be times when you are not sure- i had many of those times this week. seek out the voice of your Love and try to drown out the others. if you cannot do it yet, i will fight for you as I am sure Christ is. 

hold on to a truth that you know so that you can find the voice that is speaking it. my truth this week was the Christ was my perfection and my friends fought for me so that i could hear His voice speaking far more than that.

Lord Jesus, restore my focus on You alone. I pray that You would fight the lies in all of us and close our ears to strangers. Jesus, thank you for your sacrifice, protection, and love. Help us become more like sheep so that we can follow you without distraction."

the rebirth of a blog...

i'm not so sure that anyone reads this thing, but because i feel that i am supposed to be writing and working on my "craft" i am writing, and for now, this seems like as good a place as any...

i want to point out a few quick things before we move on since this will be the rebirth of my blogging/writing...

1. i don't like capital letters (if something is capitalized it is for emphasis or respect)
2. i like music, movies and television and will probably reference ones that i am particularly fond of as we go along in this journey
3. i am not very good at follow through- i plan on updating/writing this blog at least once a week, but i might slack off (i hope not)
4. some posts will be serious, others...not so much
5. i have a God-dream and this is part of it... 

to explain number 5... we (me, my husband and our church family) believe that each person is made with a specific purpose- many would call this a calling. my calling/God-dream is to minister to women- all women. since i am not great at public speaking and far better at sitting in front of a computer or piece of paper, i will need to do by writing- at least on a "large scale". 


i have to be honest with you, i am kind of freaked out by this calling. i mean, we are all called to minister to people and to show the love of Christ where ever we go, but my life's purpose is to minister/teach women as a whole- like joyce meyer. stop right there though, i don't want you to think or assume that i have some grandiose idea that i will be a world famous author and speaker who sells out stadiums- i don't think that. but i do think that God has placed a calling on my life to reach and teach all types of women- mothers, widows, orphans, business women, etc. 


i am almost 30 (ok, i'm almost 28, but 30 is breathing down my neck and i don't really like it), i have a full time job as a supervisor at an insurance company, i am married, my doctors tells me that i am infertile (please don't apologize, i have grieved for this and believe that God is larger than a diagnosis and that HE will do as HE pleases) do i do not have any children, and i am not very good in crowds... the odds of minstering to women on a large scale are kind of stacked against me (especially to mothers, how am i supposed to help mothers when i have no kids of my own), but i am confident that this is calling and i am not giving up...


this blog will be about my journey, good, bad or ugly. i will try to teach and love through this and hopefully, we can walk together. 


to quote Aaron Sorkin's Sportsnite, i will be using Napoleon's plan "first show up, then see what happens."


will you show up with me? maybe i will discover more about my calling and maybe you will discover yours.... 


who's with me?

quick thoughts on worship

i am sure for many of us, we don't give much thought to the act of "worship". it is a weekly (or bi-weekly) occurrence for most of us. we go to church each week, sing, sit, and stand as we are directed. some of us raise our hands, some of us close our eyes, and some of us dance. and then many of us will get into our cars and head home to face the week thankful for the hour of worship we had.

we go into our daily lives trying to live the "good" life, striving for perfection. if we falter, some of us will dust ourselves off and try again; many more of us will despair. we will despair because we are reminded yet again of our depravity; we will again remember that we are sinners- we will give up.

go big or go home. if you can't do it right, or if you've tried, then there is no point to try again. you've tested the waters and they are far too treacherous to dive into...

we've forgotten to worship.

if you are reading this and have spent any time on my porch, then this will not be new to you. stop trying to gain perfection. stop deciding that because you are not perfect that you are not the redeemed, beloved child of God. start living your life like you do on sunday morning when the guy with the guitar and girls with pretty voices are leading you in song. hear me, i am not telling you that you should stop "living like a saint on sunday, but living like hell the rest of the week". you already know that! i am sure that every christian (or non-christian american) can plainly tell you the rules that you should be living by.... don't do _____, don't say_____, never ever ever ever ever do ______.

 all i am asking is this " give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. this is truly the way to worship him."

worship God. proskyneo (ground kisser). this is not just singing. this is your life. the discipline of your children, intimacy with your spouse, walking your dog, doing your dishes- do them as worship to the One True God. 


do not DO a laundry list of shall and shall nots. worship God and allow the outpouring of your heart to make your life speak. 


take a breath and worship your God. after all you're always worshiping something.

the link i am posting is rather "old news" but i just found out about it last night.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/music/interviews/2010/jenniferknapp-apr10.html

i don't follow christian that much anymore and follow the artists even less. i don't generally follow many celebrities at all (except the few on twitter) because i just don't really care enough... however, this "news" came as a surprise to me, not the news itself, but the fact that it actually came out.

jennifer knapp, the woman whose music i listened to quite a bit through college, had "come out of the closet". she is admittedly a lesbian, in a monogamous relationship with a woman.

i am a bit conflicted by this. in a way, i am proud of her for her honesty and courage. a christian artist coming forward, confessing something that is almost definitely a "career ender". i am also scared for her. i am worried about the blacklash that is almost sure to rip her apart. i am confident that many of the people who purchased her records and proudly wore her t-shirts or attended her concerts will now toss them all aside and call her a liar. i worry that her words of repentance and worship will be dismissed as ploys to make money from the name of Jesus. why am i am so sure of this? because i have heard and read it. i've read christians call her a liar and say "if i would have known that, i would have never bought one of her cds" "she is a liar" "that just makes me sick"

is this the same reaction people had when michael english admitted that he committed adultery? not that i remember... i remember people saying that this was the perfect picture of grace, a sinner turned from his wicked ways. what about john edwards? what about amy grant? we all still bought their cds and sang their songs in church... last i checked, amy grant still had songs on "wow worship". now, i know some of you will say, "well michael english confessed and turned from his sin, but jennifer is embracing her sin" you may be right.

lets choose a different scenario then, a hypothetical one... what if you found out that your pastor had been caught speeding and continued to do so. your pastor stood before your congregation and said "my fellow brothers and sisters, i am a sinner, i do not follow the law of the speed limit that the government (and therefore God) has set before me." is your pastor a liar? is he/she just another person out to make money from the name of Jesus? or is your pastor a human being who has a sinful nature? is your pastor someone who Christ can forgive?

2 timothy 2:24-25 says "with gentleness correct those who are in opposition..." i understand that we are to confront our brother if we see him sinning, but it is to be done with love. 1 corithians 13 says "without love you are like a clanging cymbal"

a few things come to mind when i hear/read things about christians "failing" and the reactions that their brothers and sisters in Christ have to it. i am reminded of the words of a pastor, "the bible is a might tool, but should not be used a weapon" and "you cannot be someone else's holy spirit".

my prayer for jennifer is that in this, she will find the love of Christ. i pray that the image of Christ will not be tarnished by others around her.

i pray that no matter what side of the argument of homosexuality we stand on, we will have love for not only her but also the others we come in contact with who we might disagree with on this issue (gay or straight alike). at this point, i take only the side of love.

in my opinion, we are all sinners. there is not one who is clean, whether it is lust (straight, gay, or other), hate, pride, coveting, lying, or speeding it is all sin. all sin is equal. no matter the flaw we must all remember romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." the acceptance of Christ does not eliminate our faltering ways, it just makes us want to walk a little straighter.

i don't care about your sin. i care about your love and the love of the One that can heal and restore us all.

1 corinthians 13:13 "three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love."