i posted my previous blog on myspace. i got a few comments from people who i respect very much. i have to say i felt quite encouraged.
i also feel that i must confess that i still feel uneasy. what if what i am supposed to do is uncomfortable. what if i have to quit my job, move away from my family, or just generall be uncomfortable. it's a little scary. i have an inkling that my calling is not be an uber popular novelist. i am very sure my calling is not to be a tele-evangelist (i dont really think anyone is called to be one of those). i am still somewhat unsure what my calling is, but i know i have one. i also know that i am being called by someone much greater than i. i know that if i take heart and listen and following this calling, all discomfort will be more bearable. i am sure that it will not go away, but i am sure that it will be bearable.
that is something funny about God. we were never promised a lack of struggle or pain or opposition, we were just promised help and peace. a peace that i am not sure i will ever be able to understanding. i know just a few things; i know that my God is much bigger than i am (mentally, emotionally), i know that my God is love, and i know that the plans laid out for me are to prosper and not to harm.
i know that i will be ok. although, at times, we struggle to pay the mortgage or buy nice groceries. i know we will be ok. we have been blessed with family and friends. we have been blessed far above anything we will ever know.
we live frusterating lives as humans. it is a very cumbersome task finding satisfaction. it is contstant struggle trying so hard, fighting so hard. i guess all we can do is try to make the best of it and pray to God that we can make it better for someone else a long the way.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
what have we done
peter and i made it to texas last night around 11. we are safe and sound so my mom can now stop worrying. we stopped at taco cabana in greenville (the first one we saw). 12 1/2 hours in a car can be kind of long. especially the 2-3 hours it takes to get from taxarkana to denton/dallas. one of two things can happen. you can either have a strong desire to jump out of the car no matter what speed you are travling at, or, you can talk to your spouse (or car riding associate). peter and i decided to talk.
we talked alot about high school and youth group and five iron frenzy. something happened in this conversation. something starting stirring in me. something that has been wanting to happen, but i have put off for quite a while. God began tugging and pulling and pushing. its strange however, i'm not being pushed to a certain place. i'm just being pushed to investigate... find out what i am supposed to do. peter asked me a question, "what makes you mad?" my response kind of surprised me, because i actually got mad. once i started, i couldn't stop. i just let it go. i got it out. for once, i admitted that due to the mistakes of others (and myself), i have given up on my pursuit of the will of God. in short, growing a woman in baptist church who had been told repeatedly that God had "big plans" just to be told that i would "be a pastor's wife." while that is a great endevor, and very admirable (my sister in law in a pastor's wife, and she is an incredible woman whom i admire and love immensely), i felt that God had something else in store for me, just for it to twarted, in my mind at least. i gave up. i decided that if my work for God was depenedent on what my husband would do... why try?
i know this is quite long, but i thought i would breifly list my gripes with the church (at least the american version):
1) Christian catch phrases (ie. foind life with God, being a Jesus follower, etc)2) the chosen ignorance of church members. we, in the church, have decided to ignore that idea that there may actually defects with in the body of Christ. we have chosen to ignore things like mental illness. we have decided that there is no such thing as depression or bi polar disorder or others (that i can't spell). 3) we talk a good game about helping our communities, but we refuse to actually help unless there is a camera or some sort of recognition. 4) we have no sense of socail justice. we rally around the idea of abolishing abortion, but demand the heads and lives of criminals.
these of course are just a few. i am being pushed, pulled, tugged. these things must change and i must be a catalyst in this chaange, but i don't know how.
i pray that it is not too late. i pray that we, christians, have not completely destroyed that reputation of Christ. i pray and beg that we can change this
we talked alot about high school and youth group and five iron frenzy. something happened in this conversation. something starting stirring in me. something that has been wanting to happen, but i have put off for quite a while. God began tugging and pulling and pushing. its strange however, i'm not being pushed to a certain place. i'm just being pushed to investigate... find out what i am supposed to do. peter asked me a question, "what makes you mad?" my response kind of surprised me, because i actually got mad. once i started, i couldn't stop. i just let it go. i got it out. for once, i admitted that due to the mistakes of others (and myself), i have given up on my pursuit of the will of God. in short, growing a woman in baptist church who had been told repeatedly that God had "big plans" just to be told that i would "be a pastor's wife." while that is a great endevor, and very admirable (my sister in law in a pastor's wife, and she is an incredible woman whom i admire and love immensely), i felt that God had something else in store for me, just for it to twarted, in my mind at least. i gave up. i decided that if my work for God was depenedent on what my husband would do... why try?
i know this is quite long, but i thought i would breifly list my gripes with the church (at least the american version):
1) Christian catch phrases (ie. foind life with God, being a Jesus follower, etc)2) the chosen ignorance of church members. we, in the church, have decided to ignore that idea that there may actually defects with in the body of Christ. we have chosen to ignore things like mental illness. we have decided that there is no such thing as depression or bi polar disorder or others (that i can't spell). 3) we talk a good game about helping our communities, but we refuse to actually help unless there is a camera or some sort of recognition. 4) we have no sense of socail justice. we rally around the idea of abolishing abortion, but demand the heads and lives of criminals.
these of course are just a few. i am being pushed, pulled, tugged. these things must change and i must be a catalyst in this chaange, but i don't know how.
i pray that it is not too late. i pray that we, christians, have not completely destroyed that reputation of Christ. i pray and beg that we can change this
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